Punchline
by teenxangstxlauren
Summary: After a series of unexpected experiences including, proposals, declarations of love, and shopping trips with Alice, Bella is left feeling like her life is a joke and she is just waiting for the punchline.
1. Chapter 1

"Mmmm," Bella moaned, "Edward, Charlie's going to be home soon. You might want to lea-"

Edward interrupted, "Move this to a different location?" Bella shrugged, trying to make it seem nonchalant, but failing because he could tell she wanted him right now. From their position on her living room couch, he picked her and carried her bride-style to her bedroom. How much he regretted it all; being a vampire, a constant danger to the only girl he ever loved. After his brief stint at insanity and leaving her behind, Edward had learned a lesson. He had realized that even though he loved her more than what was easily comprehensible and wanted to protect her from everything, even himself, being without her would be more dangerous for both of them than being together.

Although, right now, with his Bella under him, hair tousled, lips slightly pink from the cold of his light kisses, he couldn't desire anything else in the world more than he desired her body right now. He didn't even feel the familiar yearning for her blood. He kissed her again, but more forcefully and with purpose. He wanted to pour out all the love he had for her in one kiss, but of course it couldn't be done.

Bella moaned in satisfaction, kissing him back with more insistence. She didn't know what was going on with ever-prudent Edward, but whatever was making him lose his usually rigid self-control, she didn't mind so much. 'Speak of the devil and the devil shall come,' Bella thought bitterly as Edward suddenly did go physically rigid.

"I'm sorry Edward, but you were getting more physical so I thought, well I don't know," she trailed off miserably. But Edward quietly put one of his long and elegant finger to her lips and whispered so softly she could barely hear.

"Don't move, don't even breathe. I can smell someone, someone different and I don't know if they are dangerous or not," Bella felt lightgning bolt of fear go through her heart as a quick, irrational flickering thought of Victoria's flaming red hair shot through her mind. Edward got up silently and left her room, creeping down the stair and around the corner to her kitchen until she could no longer see any part of him from her position on the bed.

For the first time in a long time, she felt a genuine fear at the thought of a vampire stalking her house.


	2. Chapter 2

When he got downstairs, Edward quickly and quietly scanned the direct area for the scent. But he couldn't find it again and was forced to leave the bouse and leave Bella to find it again. He walked out of her front door and crept around her garage until he was near the woods. There! He had it! He could smell the intruder right at the mouth of the trail in the woods, as for eharing his or her thoughts, in his her head the Second Sonata of Beethoven was being deconstructed and notes being translated for a mandolin.

But Edward was left in indecision. 'Should I attack and risk the person getting to Bella,' he thought, 'Or should I take her to my house and make a plan? Of course they might be able to get away by then...' But Edward's desicion was made for him when the intruder suddenly sprung from the woods and jumped on him. His surprise was the only reason she ever got a hand on him, so he picked her up and threw her back in the woods as hard as he could, to get things out of the open and also to make it hurt just a little.

"Edward what are you doing? It's only been a few years and that's the kind of hello you give me," the sweet, melodic voice of Tanya. Edward's jaw dropped.

--

Bella was extremely nervous. An unknown, potentially dangerous vampire was stalking her house and Edward was out there. She was gasping with the effort of not crying. He could get hurt, he could get _killed._ And here she was, sitting on her bed, clothesrumpled, absolutely useless. Suddenly she heard a loud crash and creaking, like of a tree. That was a vampire body getting thrown against a gigantic tree in the woods outside her backyard, she was positive of it. She hoped it wasn't Edward's vampire body. But then, there was nothing. Silence.

The opressiveness of it made Bella want to scream that she was being suffocated but of course she couldn't breathe enough to do so. She got up from her bed and went to her window, craning her head out as if to see more than just the huge tree in front of it. And then she heard it. A high-pitched, sweet, musical laugh. It was so perfect it had to belong to a vampire.


	3. Chapter 3

Edward walked back into Bella's room to be greeted by the sight of a dark-haired, pacing blur.

"Mhm, um, Bella?" He asked tentatively, "Love, I'm back and, well, good news! It wasn't anybody dangerous..." He stepped aside to reveal Tanya in all her strawberry-blonde glory. She giggled lightly and waved at the Bell-blur, which immediately jolted to a stop and performed a surprisingly graceful about face. Bella had a somewhat dark and almost dangerous look upon her face.

"Hi Tanya," She giggled mockingly and with sickening sweetness, "Edward, hallway, now." She turned towards the door of her bedroom and exited with a huff of authority and without any discernible clumsiness. Once her beloved Edward arrived outside her room, she opened her mouth to scream at him but realized two things in quick succession: a.) The McAllisters across the street would no doubt hear her and call the police (read: Charlie) and b.) Tanya was a vampire and could hear everything she would scream/say/whisper to Edward. Bella, now slightly deflated, settled for violent hand gestures. First she slapped Edward on the chest, only to be rewarded with a stinging and now red palm. then she pointed frantically to her bedroom door and then shrugged in an irritated fashion while following up with the middle finger to Edward and another quick jab at the door. Roughly translated it meant, "Why the fuck is Tanya, your 'admirer' (read: 'stalker'), here, in Forks, in my bedroom, and why the fuck aren't you doing anything about it?" Edward responded with a slightly affronted look to Bella for her vulgarity and then three quick shrugs and a gun, cocked and fired, to his right temple. Crudely translated this meant, "There's no need to cuss, Bella, because I have no idea why she's here, what she wants, and what her plan is because she's singing Jane Fonda by Mickey Avalon (a/n: hilarious song, google it!) repeatedly in her head and it's about to drive me insane!" Bella shook her head in an irritated fashion and slapped her palm to her face in resignation. Edward smirked good-naturedly and nudged her towards her door again. She turned back to him and stuck her tongue out at him before sucking in her stomach, raising her chin and stepping bravely into her own bedroom to face Satan herself in all her strawberry-blonde sugary sweet goodness.

As soon as Bella crossed the threshold of her bedroom she was greeted with two equally shocking and disgusting sights. The first was the sight of Tanya with a handful of Bella's own clothes, picking through them distastefully. The ssecond was the sight of Tanya with a handful of Bella's own clothes, picking through them distastefully _on Bella's own bed._

"Mhm!" Bella cleared her throat. Tanya took no notice, vampire hearing or not. Bella tried again, "Mhm! Um, Miss Tanya? I'm trying to to talk to you!" It was then Tanya turned around, smiled sweetly and then...turned back to her previous task, muttering lightly about "frumpy wannabes," "slummy whores," and "poor, deprived, little girl." Bella took a few deep breaths, "God, Buddha, Allah, Jesus, Vishnu, somebody up there, give me the patience to deal with this dumb plastic barbie doll..."


End file.
